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  • Daughters of the Self Centered

    Daughters of the self-centered: You are a breed of woman that have struggles that are so unique to your title. I will explain why. Your relationships with women and men alike are compromised. Mainly, women but also men. In this blog I will strictly focus on how this type of relationship impacts your relationship with women in your life. When we are raised by a parent who is very selfish, they are often self- centered and self -involved. It does not matter the reason that they were brought up that way, results are still the same. This makes it very hard to know how to properly look for the qualities of a good friend. Early on we become accustomed to what is familiar to us. Sometimes we can become that way as well, and other times we may recognize the behaviors for what they are and not want to be like that ourselves.

    Unfortunately, that does not parlay into our friend selection so easily. Naturally, we are drawn to others who exhibit similar selfish, self-involved traits. Somewhere along the way we start seeing we are frustrated and annoyed with our toxic so-called friends. When we are raised by a self-involved parent it is hard to know what to look for when it comes to a friend. Logically we may know the qualities of a good friend but actually creating those good friends and bringing them into our lives is a whole different matter. I mean how can you possibly emotionally connect with someone that is so unfamiliar to you??? We often choose people in our lives that feel comfortable and familiar to us and make us feel like “home”. Regardless if that home was one that was toxic unhealthy and filled with toxic people.

    Selfish, self-centered people are not necessarily bad people let me say that here. However, they are bad for us. They are bad for our self-esteem and often times take advantage of our good qualities and characteristics for their own advantage. We are a good listening ear, a supportive friend, one that is polite and respectful. They often don’t ask you about yourself, or are not there for you instinctively like you are for them when you feel they need you. They expect you to drop everything with no regard to what you may be doing to help them out at any given moment. In addition, these friends take it upon themselves to be our biggest critic sometimes even make you their little project, all in the name of being a “good “friend with no regard to your feelings, only theirs. They may really think they are helping you out! That is the tricky part, but you know deep down their motives are not altruistic if you pay attention to the little warning sign deep inside of you.

    So, what can you do now? Well, for starters you will not change your mother, or father so no point to start there. You can change yourself though by being aware and challenging your beliefs about yourself as well as taking a long hard look at some of your friendships. At that point, if you feel like you have some of these toxic relationships in your life then start considering how you want to change it. Some ways to begin if you don’t want to cut the relationship off at the roots, (that may feel harsh for some) is to create boundaries. Know for yourself what lines may be crossed for you in the particular relationship and where you need to establish the boundary there. Maybe your so-called friend tries to dominate every conversation you have with her and make it all about her. You can 1) avoid plans with her 2) change the topic and start talking about what you want to say (note: if you go this route you will have to interrupt her many times and keep redirecting back to you) 3) you can try to take a more proactive approach and ask her if you can set up a timer where each of you gets their talk time in a conversation. (Good luck with that one- as your friend is most likely to get offended there!) Remember, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong!!!

    Regardless of your approach or lack thereof, your questioning feelings about these relationships are meant to hone in and observe the interactions with this person. Your feelings are a warning sign to you that something is not right. Do not blame yourself. You were conditioned in this way since childhood, but there is a way out by being aware and making changes in your friendships and your choice of friends.

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